she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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