No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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