The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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