I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
smell my finger.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Randomize
