when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
