I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
