i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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