Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
