i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
