I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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