he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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