My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Two words: blizzard sex
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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