call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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