i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize