I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
