Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
