Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
