Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize