I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
