I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize