Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
