somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My balls are so social today.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
