Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
