I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
