It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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