I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
