kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I want her autograph on my taint
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
