i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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