i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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