I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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