My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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