I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
