My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
