i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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