Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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