as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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