Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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