I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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