she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
