I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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