I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
