Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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