my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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