you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
