Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
They have beer where we have blood.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
