I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
