my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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