I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
