i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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