I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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