This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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