At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
