he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
