They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
