Moan for me like Helen Keller
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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