so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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